So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize