george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
