we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
