so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
