All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
