u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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