There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
