I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
