Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
