A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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