I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
