You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
And my parents said I crawled through the house
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
the raccoons are back...
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