I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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