I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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