I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
