so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
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