well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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