I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Randomize
