I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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