Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
