Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
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