i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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