I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
