alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
So much Jack, so little girl.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
