No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
