I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
