the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
