I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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