i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Randomize