I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
