ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
