Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
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