Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
