The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Couch. On fire.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
