my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
