You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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