how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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