I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
