what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
