the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
