when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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