I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
