I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
