her vagine was all disorganized.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
