i love accidental penises.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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