I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
