I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
