On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize