I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
