He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
