Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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