a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Randomize
