He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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