I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
