college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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