Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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