I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
